The National Weather Service issued an “Extinction Event Flash Flood Warning“ on Saturday as torrents of rain fell from angry skies and geysers of water gushed from aquifers to cover Salt Lake City.
“Run for your lives, that’s what we’re saying here. Now, excuse me, I have an ark to catch,” said meteorologist Noah bar Lamech.
Downtown Salt Lake City’s homeless fought to three-piece-suited businessmen to climb the LDS Temple‘s spire, where Gov. Gary Herbert hung by his hands from the statue Moroni’s trumpet.
“Everyone calm down!” he shouted. ”At least the damned drought is over!”
Below, hundreds of Mormon missionaries, two by two, floated down South Temple Street, desperate to make converts before they sank beneath the turgid waves.
Reports of scuba-equipped Southern Baptists deliberately capsizing the watercraft could not immediately be confirmed.
Still, as the water poured in sheets from the broiling, dark skies, there was some good news: temperatures tumbled from the triple digits of earlier this week into the mid-60s; air quality was “green,“ or healthy (if you could gasp in a breath to stave off drowning); and the Intermountain Allergy & Asthma website reported pollen, along with living plants of any kind, non-existent.